The Mind of Sam
by rogerthecat22
Summary: A story in Sam's perspective, after finding out about Mcnally's decision to join the task force. I have big plans for this story, so please stay tuned and join the ride! More incentive to read?VULNERABLE SAM! Please review!
1. Sam Drinks

*More to come!* (This story is the perspective of Sam dealing with Mcnally's task force decision)

QUICK DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ROOKIE BLUE!

I was sitting there, my hands feeling the cold across the bar top. I was mentally beating myself up for how I chose to express myself. I was so damn tired of saying the wrong things, or saying the right things in the wrong time frame. I loved her. I loved her and from the looks of it, I'd lost her.

Andy Mcnally. That girl, that girl consumed me. And I hated it. I hated how weak she made me feel. But then somehow, I loved it more than any other feeling. Just thinking about her shy smile or her off sense of humor—these things made me go crazy. And as I downed my fourth shot of scotch, it became fairly evident I'd lost her. I just didn't want to admit it.

"Stop sulking, Swarek. It doesn't suit you." I recognized the voice. Ah, Peck.

"What can I say, it's been a long day." I flashed an unconvincing smile, then proceeded to raise my shot glass.

"One more glass over here!" I called. The bartender looked at me skeptically, but noticed Peck. That seemed to give him enough incentive to slide one over.

"Hey, have you seen Nick?" She asked.

"Nope."

"Where's Andy? I figured you two lovebirds would have made up by now." Peck said. My head lifted in optimism.

"Why? Did she mention something to you?" I couldn't hide my desperation. Lord, I was pathetic. Fucking alcohol.

"This is your punishment, Swarek. Fine rookies like us don't come around every day. Maybe Mcnally moved on…" Gail threw back a heavy loaded shot, exhaling loudly.

"You sound bitter, Peck." I couldn't be nice right now. Gail was right. Andy was too smart to actually want me. I gave her an out—inadvertently. New mantra: 'Sam you are an idiot.'

"I'm not bitter. Nick and I are doing great. But nice try." Peck shoved me lightly, although after all that alcohol, it felt like I'd fallen sideways.

"Why couldn't you just tell her how you felt from the beginning?" Peck asked.

"Good question."

"Well stop dwelling, Swarek! Let's stop worrying about our partners and just… get wasted!" Gail cheered. And just as I assumed the bartended was groaning, I was as well.

I was wasted. I suppose adding insult to injury wasn't the smartest option, but I actively didn't care. For someone who didn't care, I sure felt my eyes drifting towards the entrance of the Black Penny quite often.

"Where is she?" I murmured, laying my cheek against the bar. Faintly, I felt a pat on the back.

"Oh, Sammy. Drinking without me? That's just wrong, buddy." Oliver said. I smiled weakly. At least, if all else failed, I had Ollie.

"Peck, scoot down one. You're on my stool." Oliver said. It was as if Ollie actually had in his mind a reality where that stool was his. It was quite funny.

I could feel Gail's narrowing eyes without even glancing at her. She had the icy look down. I'd give her props for that.

"Sammy, buddy. Stop with the shots. You never know why she's not here. Maybe she had something come up." Ollie suggested.

But I knew Mcnally like the back of my hand. I knew she hated tardiness unless there was a good excuse. And she took commitments seriously. Then again, thinking back, she'd never actually agreed to meet me here. Right.

"Oliver, take back what you said earlier." I hadn't meant to snap, it just came out that way.

"What did I say?" He looked at me all accusatory.

"That I should have a radio show! I suck at advice! You gave me false hope, you… jerk!" Sober Sam would have cringed at my whining. Shit faced Sam just spoke with no filter.

"Ah. Right. Well I mean, Zoe and I had dessert together tonight. So I think you should keep your radio show. Just base it off my life now. The Ollie Shaw Show. Sounds pretty catchy, right?" Oliver seemed pleased with himself.

"I have never wanted this to be a Friday night so bad in my life." Gail chimed in.

"Me neither." I seconded the motion.

"Well too bad you drunkards. It's a Thursday. But hey, just one more shift to pull through and you can do this again tomorrow night. Although something tells me that you, Sammy, won't have an urge to after the hangover you face!' I could have sworn Oliver was cackling. Bastard.

I'd just ask Andy in the morning. There. I'd just bombard her and make her talk to me. I needed to show her just how much I cared for her. It wasn't too late! I refused to let it be!

And as I stumbled alongside Ollie as he opened up the door, I couldn't help but wonder if nights like these would be less sporadic and more routine. If so, I'd blown it. I was prepared for the worst. I always had been. Hell that was the story of my life! I guess being with Mcnally just made me hope more… being with her had me feeling alive. And as corny as it sounded, and I'd never admit this aloud…being with her,

I'd never been a better cop in my entire life.


	2. Dealing with it

Chapter Two: Facing the Facts

Aside from the raging hangover, there were other reasons this day was already strange. Callaghan. He was actually staring at me with this look of utter contentment. It wasn't suiting him. In fact, he hated my guts most days. But today, he almost seemed chipper.

"Sammy, how goes it? I brought you a little remedy." Oliver fastened his holster as I took off my coat.

"Thanks. I could use a magic cure right about now. I think I'm hallucinating."

"That's what happens when you rush out from work on an empty stomach, then load dozens of shots with 80 proof liquor in your stomach." Oliver loved lecturing me like I was one of his teenage daughters.

"Yes mother. I'll do better next time."

"Yes, you will." He did that trademark Oliver expression, where he progressed to point at me directly.

Waking up this morning was not only painful thanks to my drinking, but because the feeling of an empty bed was something I hadn't quite adjusted to yet. Aside from Mcnally, women who spent the night with me were infrequent. I'd had drunken moments where I'd let loose, but I'd never been with someone to the emotional extent I'd been with Andy. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for long term. I never knew what to say. What to do. I was a rookie.

"Epstein! Walk with me!" Oliver gestured Dov out just as soon as he'd come in. I shook my head, knowing Oliver was too good to me.

It was around this time when Jerry would come and wrangle me by my neck, dragging me out for the routine 'Captain's Address". But as the trend had started, Jerry was no longer here to be my wing-man. And now, I was more alone than ever.

As I grudgingly walked on into the room filled with fellow co- workers, I had no luck spotting Mcnally. The whole time, my stomach was in knots.

I couldn't help but worry. Was she alright? Maybe she too, had a rough night. But still, Andy wouldn't miss the start of the day for such a stupid reason. Hell, I was here. That was quite the accomplishment.

Callaghan walked in, carrying his shoulders high as he marched to the front. He stood at the podium. Who did he think he was?!

"Callaghan looks particularly perky this morning. Then again, he's also walking like he's got a stick up his ass so…" I snorted, listening to Oliver's early morning gossip.

"He did look unusually chipper now that you mentioned it." I added.

"Good morning, 15 Division. The reason I'm addressing you this morning is to deliver some bittersweet news. Two of our officers, Nick Collins and Andy Mcnally—"My heart leaped into my chest. No. Please. Don't say what I know you will say. Don't.

"—joined my task force and shipped off last night. I know this may come as a shock to many of you, but this was something the both of them wanted to do." Callaghan looked straight into my eyes. My insides felt heavy yet somehow hollow. Andy, so this is how we leave things?

I trudged out of the room, wobbling towards the bathroom. My stomach felt like it was going to explode.

As I hovered over the sink, I felt weak. The man glancing back at me was pale and sweaty. She'd made her choice. She'd made her choice and that coice wasn't me.

Reality sunk in more than it ever had before.

"Sam, you missed car assignments. You're with Nash." Frank poked his head into the restroom with sympathetic eyes.

"Don't worry, Swarek. Mcnally's a tough cop. She can hold her own out there." Frank comforted. I nodded, giving him assurance that I understood. Was this how Mcnally felt when I left that night? This feeling- this numbness...

I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy. Well, almost...

"What were you THINKING?!" I yelled, pacing towards Callaghan. He dared look confused.

"Sam... it's my job. I'm sorry." He wasn't sorry. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the rage that was brewing.

"When did this happen? Andy wasn't evena contender yesterday. What changed?"

Callaghan swallowed dryly.

"Traci backed out. I had an opening and Mcnally was eager. It wasn't personal, Sam." Luke said, with such a passive voice I wanted to punch him.

"She isn't ready." I hadn't noticed the tersity in my voice until now.

"When I saw her last night, she was." Luke stated. There was a pause.

"Did she... say anything?" Stop Sam. Stop prying information out of Callaghan. Wrong source.

"Sam, I know you don't want to hear this. But you broke Andy's heart. I think she needed this- to get away." Callaghan said.

I felt my fists clench tight, my mind racing. I'd never felt as low as I did right now. I was the bad guy. It was evident now. The jerk? That was me. Sam Swarek. It was a realization that left me stunned. Everything was all my fault.

"Listen, I've got to go do some paperwork. But I'll try and keep you updated if I hear anything. Alright?" Luke sighed, and after a moment of silence, he walked away slowly.

As I vacantly walked towards the car, I handed Traci the keys.

"Nash, I thought you were doing the whole detective thing now."

"I wanted a break. Just with everything going on, I could use a day of riding around." Nash looked up at me, her face solemn. She offered up a weak smile, which was just about as sincere as mine had been. I suppose we had things in common these days.

"Fine by me." I collapsed into the passenge seat, throwing an aspirin into my mouth. Any other day, I'd insist on driving. Today was just spiraling downwards- who knows what would happen if I took the wheel.

"You didn't lose her Swarek. I know Andy. SHe;d never consciously let you out of her life." Traci said. Nash had a maternal instinct that was extremely comforting.

"She just did, Nash." I sighed.

"Maybe temporarily. Just give her time to breathe. To do her job. She'll come back just like the Andy we know." Traci said.

"What id she doesn't. What if she moves on." Saying these words left me feeling lethargic.

"We are talking about the same Andy, right? Crazy, nosy, persistent, sweet, caring... come on, Sam! That girl has got too much fight in her to give in so easily."

It'd been the first smile I'd managed to produce since last night. Mcnally- my sweet, caring, NOSY Mcnally.

I wouldn't want her any other way.

"I- I told her I loved her." I spoke, looking down at my lap.

Slowly, I turned to face Traci's expression. She was dumbfounded.

"Sorry, say that again." I stifled a laugh, repeating myself.

"Oh my gosh, Sam. That's—that's HUGE." Nash said, smiling widely.

"I should have said it sooner." I sighed, wishing I could just listen to a stupid joke Andy spewed at me. I wanted so bad to see her smile—that smile I missed more than anything else perhaps. I missed the scent of her hair as she lay in bed next to me. I missed silly talk of the future—talk where I knew I, myself, was actually quite serious about.


	3. Flashback

Thinking Back: Chapter Three

I thought back to the last night we spent together, a night that was more than six weeks in the past. Andy was in those lazy sweats she looked so good in, with her hair in a messy bun. She was wearing a ratty t-shirt, but honestly, she looked sexier to me than she would have ever looked in a skin tight dress. It wasn't that she couldn't pull it off. Believe me, she could. But seeing her there, I knew she was mine. She was herself, the beautiful and quirky woman I'd grown to love.

I remember the first time she'd laid her head on my thigh, and how my whole body went numb. But now it felt like we'd known each other our whole life. I felt like I could finally open up.

"I'm so excited for the wedding Sam; I mean… we finally get to go on a real vacation together! And how cute was that proposal? Jerry is so romantic!" Andy continued to talk, making me laugh as we talked about possible wedding present for Traci and Jerry.

"Let's get them a nice new Poker set. Jerry will love it!" I suggested. Andy rolled her eyes. I put my hands up in confusion.

"Hey, what's wrong with that?!" I accused.

"Listen, I'm a girl. Traci's a girl. We are occasionally romantic people, Samuel. We want toasters and microwaves and cutlery and monogrammed wash clothes!" She said. I laughed as she shoved a mouthful of popcorn into her mouth. I lifted up her chin to pinch her cheek, but then, she leaned up to kiss me.

Her lips locked with mine as all conversation halted. When I was with her… nothing else mattered.

"I really am lucky." I told her quietly. She sat up at this, stroking my arm.

"Hey, I am too, Swarek. Don't think you're the only one who enjoys one another's company." She told me. She leaned her head against my arm, breathing out lightly.

"Sam, let's stay this way. Let's stay this way for a long time." She said.

I remember even now my heart beating faster than I ever knew it could. I remember finding it hard to breathe. I remember praying that her wish would remain true; I wanted that more than anything. But more importantly- - that I'd be lucky enough to keep her.

I was the luckiest man in the world. I was.


	4. Dirty Sheets

Traci and I rode in silence for a while, after I'd left her stunned with my admission. I watched out the window as everyone around seemed to be completely happy but me. Why was it that nothing good ever stayed with me? I think I was bad luck. It was either that or I just HAD bad luck.

"Turn on the lights, that guy was going 70 in a 45!" Nash excitedly said, stepping on the gas. Just what I needed to cure my hangover. Yeah, that was sarcasm.

After a day of writing tickets, I just wanted to go home to my apartment. The place was a mess since Jerry died. Ollie had been staying here for quite some time, and so at least the area by the couch was clean. I mean, that was his bed after all.

My room was pretty disastrous. The sheets were falling off the bed, and smelt of things I didn't want to remember. A girl I wanted badly to escape my brain for the time being. Kicking off my shoes, I headed to the bathroom. I took a good look at myself.

"Shit." I said matter of factly. My life had gone from great to bad to worse in a matter of months. And right now, I was about as low as I could possibly be.

I felt my breathing quicken, and I found it hard to inhale. Stumbling towards the bed, I collapsed above the disarray.

"No" I breathed. I felt moisture on my cheeks, rolling onto the sheets.

"NO" Yelling, I broke down.

It was the first time I'd cried that I could remember. But Jerry had died. And Mcnally had left me. I think my body was okay with breaking down, just this once.

No one was watching.

I stood up- a ball of sheets in my hand. Just like that, her scent was erased. With the push of a washer. With a push I'd given.

I remember being seven years old- my spirits so high like nothing could stop me. No force could break me. It was the morning of my eighth birthday. All was well in the world, especially for a little kid.

I woke up to the distinct smell of bacon, and ran towards the kitchen. My sister was there, cheery and young. Thinking back now, being a kid was so carefree. I didn't have bills to pay or relationships to nurture. I was just... eight.

My mother baked me my favorite cake. I'd always liked Pineapple Upside Down because of the beautiful colors- with the red cherries and yellow pineapple. I was an artistic kid, always trying to draw something.

"Samuel, what would you like to do on your birthday this year?' Mom had asked me. I was an inquisitive child, always eager to learn.

"I want Sarah to pick." I'd said proudly. Just three at the time, Sarah was someone I cherished more than anyone else.

"Beach!" She exclaimed, jumping up and down. Her eyes grew big and bright, which in turn made me feel satisfied.

And so we went to the beach. Sarah and my mother buried me in the sand, and I remember being trapped yet laughing so much I couldn't breathe. We made sand castles and waded in the water. Then afterward, Mom bought us ice cream cones at the shack by the volleyball nets. I recalling laughing at Sarah as her face quickly became an open ice cream canvas.

'Sammy, you've got a chocolate beard!" She giggled.

"Well you've got a chocolate... EVERYTHING!" I retorted. She just smiled, kicking me lightly with her shoe.

I just remember how perfect this day was. How it was one day in my life where nothing went wrong. My sister was happy then, with her innocence preserved. My mother was ahead of her bills. I'd had the best birthday.

But there weren't too many days after that where I fully remember being solely happy.

I went to the Black Penny later that night, filling my mug with lots of beer. I wasn't much of a beer drinker, but tonight I was feeling like getting slowly drunk; as opposed to downing numerous shots in a short time frame.

I wanted to mull over my depressing life as I sipper lager.

"Is this seat taken?" It was a woman's voice. I was just slightly tipsy now, and nodded.

"I'm Erin." She said, extending a hand. I looked over, extremely not in the mood to talk.

"Sam." In a monotone voice, I answered. She was an attractive woman, with long blonde hair and a slender frame. She was wearing these boots Mcnally had a pair just like.

"Sam, you look sad." She said.

"Dually noted!" I said, nodding matter of factly.

"Who's the girl? Do I need to kick some ass tonight?" She joked. I didn't really think it was funny.

"Erin, you seem nice. I just don't want to talk about it." I said, taking a swig.

"Well if you want to talk... I'll be here. Here's my number." She said, grabbing a napkin off the bar and writing her number down. Wow, she didn't hold back!

"Thanks." I said, glad she was easing off.

"Anytime, cutie." She smiled.

A couple hours and seven beers later, Ollie came and picked me up. I hated people driving my truck but heck, it was just him. He and Mcnally were the exceptions.

"Sammy, you need to get a hold of yourself soon, man. Everyone understands you're hurting. I know. But man, you're respected around Fifteen! Just try and pull yourself together soon, okay? Frank's worried about you. We all are." Oliver's pep talk on the way home was nauseating in itself.

"Mkay."I slurred. Oliver dragged me out of the car, helping me up the steps.

"I took the liberty of cleaning up a bit. The fast food bags were starting to attract visitors- which are seldom in the human variety around here... by the way." He added. I laughed.

"Like you said, it's not like anyone's coming around." I said.

"Hey, that's not true. I might invite Zoe over this weekend. She wants to have a dinner date where I cook. And she wants to do it at 'my place'. Well, I guess this is it!" Ollie laughed.

"Oh gosh, I'm pathetic." He mumbled. I nodded, leading to a slap.

"You think you can shower without me having to awkwardly undress you, Sammy?"He asked. I nodded, waving him away. He brought me a ginger ale, and closed the door.

"Sweet dreams, son." He added.

"Mhm." I muttered.


	5. Oliver Shines

**Quick Note! Thank you for all the reviews, please continue as they motivate me! I appreciate all feedback. Also, I added some content to Chapter 4 if you have not read that! Please stay tuned and bare with me, it means a lot to me!**

Chapter Five: Oliver Shines

Oliver evicted me from my own home. For the evening, that was. He had invited Zoe over for dinner, and while I prayed for their health... Oliver adamantly insisted on cooking.

"Just... follow some recipe." I told him, grabbing my keys.

"Nah, I'm more of a 'do it yourself' kind of guy." He'd said. My eyes widened as I walked away skeptically. Well, Zoe HAD been married to him once, so I suppose his cooking skills weren't exactly a secret.

"Wait Sammy! What are you going to do all night?" Oliver called. I hovered in the doorway.

"Don't know. Just bail me out if you get the call." I said. I heard Oliver huff.

"Hey, don't interrupt my night, brother!' He said. I closed the door, wondering what exactly I WAS going to do tonight.

I ended up grabbing dinner at this really good pub down the street. I watch half of the hockey game, and sipped a soda- steering clear of alcohol for the night. I needed to prove to myself I wasn't going insane. That I could function properly.

I was thinking back to the last time I sat at this pub stool, and realized it was with Jerry. He and I placed bets on the finals of a hockey match, where I ended up losing 30 bucks. But I'd never paid up.

"I guess you went out with me owing you more than I'd assumed." I sighed. I owed Jerry my life. He was there in the ages when Andy wasn't; when Ollie wasn't. He was the constant.

I left a tip on the bar, walking through the brisk streets- no destination in mind. I peered into the Penny, where a karaoke competition was taking place. Personally, I wasn't one for showcasing my pipes. Although, I do remember a drunken night with Mcnally- where we'd disclosed possibly too much to one another.

When it came to my time thus far with Andy, I didn't have any regrets. I mean, aside from the obvious. She brought out a feeling I'd thought I could never reach again. She rattled my chains, sure. But I'd be lying if I said I was immune to her charm.

There was one thing Callaghan and I had in common. Great taste in woman. And the fact that I'd won her- no matter how much I loathed Luke, I could never truly hate him. I'd beat him. Even now, in this horrid position I'd locked myself into...

I knew deep down-

The feelings I shared with Mcnally were far from ordinary.

I decided to grab a few things at the store since my refrigerator wasn't exactly stocked these days. While I tossed a bag of lettuce into my cart, I ran into Tommy Mcnally. He was ordering a pound of Salmon when I spotted him. I quickly tried to turn around,but it'd been too late.

"Sam!' He called, walking over. I smiled lightly, scurrying to meet him halfway.

"Sammy boy, you look tired! You should be resting, since you don't have Andrea bothering you these days!" He said. My heart sank.

"So you heard about the undercover work?" I asked, swallowing dryly. He nodded.

"I'm proud of her. She's always wanted to be appreciated like this. I think the timing was just right, you know- with everything going on." He hinted. I felt embarrassed.

"Sir, I hope-" I started.

"It's okay Swarek, I know losing your detective friend was hard. I've been there. It isn't easy losing a friend, let alone someone on the force." he said. I nodded.

"How did you get over it?" I asked. I was genuinely curious.

"I know you don't want to hear this, Sam. But you don't. When James died, I slipped into my drinking habits. James was my best friend, and losing him made life pretty impossible for a while. It was good Mcnally was there to pick me up." Tommy said.

"In time, you'll be okay. I promise. Just- don't push people away like I did." He said once more.

"Tommy, did I lose her too?" I asked, trying to gauge his expression. I noticed my voice cracking, and composed myself.

"You're lucky my Andy's resilient. She's not one to flip an on/off switch when things get rough. Just remember, while she's gone- heal yourself. Get in a right mindset, Swarek. Then things will fall into place." Mcnally said. I nodded.

"Thank you, sir." Sincerely, I hugged him lightly. He pulled me in tighter, patting my back.

"I like you, son. Fix things, I believe you can!" He said.

"I will." I said, feeling unconvinced. But Tommy intimidated me, and so I agreed.

"Take care son." He said, heading in the other direction. I sighed, laughing at the odds. Leave it to me- running into Andy's father out of all people. Goodness, who was next?! COLLINS?

I shook my head, finishing up shopping. I checked out, grabbing a scratch off where I ended up winning ten bucks. That brightened my mood a bit.

It was around eleven when I headed back, having grabbed dinner out. I made sure to be quiet when I walked in, so that I didn't disturb whatever was going on. I just prayed I wouldn't have to shield my eyes.

I tossed the keys in the bowl as I walked in, hearing laughing coming from the living room. I turned the corner to find Oliver and Zoe, both with wine in hand.

'Sam!" Zoe called, getting off the couch to embrace me warmly. She was a spunky one, with lots of interesting jewelry around her arms and neck. Zoe had always been warm to me, and I hugged her tightly.

"Wow, Sam. You feel tense. I've been trying out this acupuncture course. Let me try it out on you!" She exclaimed. I laughed.

"Uh, no thanks, Zo. But... thanks for the offer. So I didn't mean to interrupt." I said. Oliver shrugged.

"We're pretty much done with dinner. We were going to go see a movie." Ollie said.


End file.
